What Are We Truly Seeking in the Love We Want?

Do you think you really know yourself?

Have you ever wondered how much of what you're looking for in a relationship stems from your true desires, and how much comes from scenarios adopted from movies, books, or family patterns? How much of these ideals about perfect love is really your voice, and how much is an echo of social expectations?

Have you noticed that you often focus more on whether you're attractive enough for the other person, instead of asking yourself:

• Does this relationship allow me to be myself?

• Do I feel accepted when showing my vulnerable sides?

• Do I have space for my own growth and imperfections?

There's a hunger for closeness within you, but simultaneously so much fear of it. You want to be seen, but you're afraid to show yourself. You long for deep connection, but often escape into shallow conversations about daily life. You yearn for something real, but it feels safer to remain in your shell. This internal battle between desire and fear is part of being human - you're not alone in this.

Do you think this is all easy for your Partner? They too struggle with their fears, uncertainties, and inherited beliefs about what love should look like. Your journey together isn't just about building a relationship, but also about discovering each other in all your complexity.

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What would happen if you stopped pretending to know yourself really well and you stopped pretending that you know everything about love? What if you admitted that sometimes you feel like a child in the fog? That you still have much to learn and understand? Perhaps the greatest potential for true connection lies in this space of not knowing?

Think about those moments of silence between words, when something real happens in the relationship. About how difficult it is to say: "I don't know what I need, but I feel something's missing." Think about the courage it takes to admit to your own helplessness, confusion, and longing. It's in these moments of greatest vulnerability that the deepest understanding often emerges.

Consider: what would happen if you stopped pretending to be all-knowing and started being yourself - with all the uncomfortable emotions, with questions without answers, with desires that sometimes you don't even understand yourself? It's in this space of uncertainty, in this place between "I know" and "I don't know," that true intimacy is born! Right where your self-confidence ends is where true understanding of another person begins! Which confession is more intimate: "I love you," or "I'm scared" or "I don't understand"? What do you think? Sometimes admitting to your own fragility requires more courage than declaring love. There is strength in this fragility - the strength of authenticity.

It's worth asking yourself:

Can I be as gentle with my own fears as I am loyal to other people and their needs?

Do I give myself as much compassion and understanding as I offer to others?

Maybe it's time to start treating yourself with the same tenderness you'd want to receive from your loved one? Remember that true love begins with an honest conversation with yourself. From admitting to yourself what you really need, what you're afraid of, and what you long for. It's this inner honesty that opens the path to authentic closeness with another person.

About the Author

As a certified CBT therapist and a relationship coach I’m passionate about helping people create happier relationships. Since I’ve qualified 5 years ago, I've seen it all - the giggles, ''the butterflies'' in the tummy, the infatuation but also the betrayal and the resentment…I have seen times when everything was new and exciting, and then, things became stale, boring and toxic. I have assisted people like you, to understand their true expectations, rediscover their needs and speak about their needs and desires. I have assisted them in learning how to communicate and resolve conflict. Whatever is that you face today, I'm here for you each step of the way.